How to Talk to Your Daughter or Son if They Have an Eating Disorder: What to Say, What Not to Say
I often hear this from parents who have teenagers with eating disorders: they try their best to say the right things when it comes to food, but their teen reacts with an angry outburst or won’t talk to them at all. Eating disorders affect almost every aspect of a person, and their families – and communication is definitely an area that can be deeply affected.
First, know that conversations will not go perfectly, no matter what you say. They may not even go smoothly most of the time. Being able to let go when things go poorly and move on to the next challenge is essential for your own well-being.
Second, don’t take it personally if they don’t want to talk all the time or don’t open up right away. It may take time and persistence. Eating disorders can cause people to be secretive about their behaviour and thoughts – this is their illness and does not reflect your relationship with them.
Third, there are some things you can avoid saying. Below are some communication tips and some dos and don’ts to help you navigate your conversations, especially around food.
Examples of what NOT to say or do
“You’ve lost weight.” Regardless of the person’s size, this statement reinforces the person’s focus on their weight. It’s best to steer clear of all talk about weight.
“You look healthy.” While seemingly positive, this might reinforce their eating disorder behaviour (especially if they’re underweight) or be taken to mean they look fat. It also emphasizes their appearance, which we want to avoid.
If they order something like a salad instead of a burger, don’t say, “Oh, you’re so good! I need to make decisions like that.” This moralizes food choices.
It’s best not to mention their appearance and instead focus on what they’re doing or how they’re acting (e.g. “I’ve noticed you don’t seem enthusiastic about going to practice again - is there something you’re struggling with?”).
If they mention eating dessert or eating a lot, please don’t say, “You can work that off afterwards.” Or if they’re going out for dinner later: “Get in your workout beforehand – then you’ll really deserve that dinner!” This equates food with having to be earned, or eating with having to compensate afterwards.
If they mention eating fast food, dessert or something not considered healthy, please don’t say, “Oh, you cheated!” This is diet culture language.
At mealtimes, avoid talking about the food’s calories or portion sizes: it’s best to focus on other things going on and to keep the conversation as light as possible (as your teen will likely be experiencing quite a bit of anxiety). And enjoy your own meal!
Examples of what to say and do
Model healthy eating and exercising in your own life. It’s really difficult to encourage your teen to recover when you are dieting or using food/exercise as a way to cope. Please seek help for yourself if you think your behaviour and mindset might be affecting your daughter or son.
Model healthy discussion of emotions (even if it’s not directly with your teen – it can be between adults and it’s overheard by them).
Model food being a positive, pleasurable experience, and provide a calm atmosphere when eating. Make home a safe place.
Be aware of sentences that start with “you” (e.g. “You are behaving badly” or “You haven’t been eating enough”) and try to change them into “I” statements: “I can see that you’re making decisions that don’t seem like you” or “I noticed that you're struggling to finish your meals.”
Model a "no diet culture” (e.g. food and movement in moderation and without judgement). All food gives us energy and can have a place, in moderation. If you’re talking about specific foods that need to be avoided for medical or cultural reasons, make sure to emphasize what can be eaten so it doesn’t feel like deprivation.
Emphasize how our bodies help us to DO things that are meaningful to us or that we need to do, rather than simply being about what we look like.
We’re aiming for neutrality: Food should not be moral (i.e. good vs. bad / pure vs. toxic) – we don't have to feel positive about our bodies 24/7. For example:
“Food is a delicious way to give us energy, commemorate special events and connect with our friends and family.”
“Your body is an extraordinary organism that helps you do the things you want and need to do in your life, the things that are meaningful and pleasurable.”
Validate what they’re saying first (don’t try to fix it), hear it, step in to their experience by asking them open-ended questions, and then problem solve together (after they’ve expressed what they needed to express).
Separate the eating disorder thoughts and behaviour from your daughter or son. If she/he lashes out angrily at mealtime or repeats behaviour that is harmful to them, say you don’t support that behaviour (e.g. food restriction, binging, purging, self harm, etc.) but you do support them. You can say that you understand the behaviour has a purpose and it might not stop instantly, but that you’ll be there for them through the journey to get better.
After mealtimes, come up with a family activity you can all do together that would act as a distraction (your child may want to purge or exercise after eating). Choose something that is fairly sedentary like a board game, watching a show, crafting, etc.
Some questions you can ask to broach the subject of them having an eating disorder:
“I’ve noticed some changes in you” [and give examples: you’re having a hard time focusing, you seem preoccupied, you’re not doing the things you have always loved doing].
“Are you okay? Do you find yourself focusing on food and your body when you’re feeling distressed or having a bad day?”
“Would you be open to talking to someone who is knowledgeable about food difficulties?” The NEDIC provider list is a great place to start.
If they’re not open at that moment but don’t completely shut you down, you can try asking later: What are you open to trying? What’s one small step towards talking to someone? What can we do/try now? (Don’t give up on trying, even if you’re constantly told no).
Enlist outside help
If you can see that your daughter or son is eating very little but still doesn’t see that they have a problem, I recommend my online course, How to help your teenager with anorexia.
It was developed for teenagers who don’t believe there is anything wrong with the way they’re eating. I designed the course to gently introduce them to what is going on beneath their reluctance to eat and how it leads to more serious illness, in a casual and conversational way.
If their situation is more complicated or you find out they are also binging and purging, feel free to reach out to me for a free 15-minute intro call to see how I can help.
